*Waking Up*

This morning after I woke at the crack of dawn, I lay in my bed and stared at the ceiling for about thirty minutes, trying to convince myself there was a reason to get up.

It was a fight, just to get my body to move, because when my mind is going back and forth, trying to place the good and bad, attempting to comprehend what I want to do vs what needs to be done, it almost paralyzes me.

It's like, my whole body becomes numb and immune to everything around me while inside my head there is a war, a battle that I may never win. So I lay there, almost lifeless as a dead corpse.

'I have to get up.'

My body said 'yes', but my mind said 'no', and my heart, well, it was still trying to choose. Slowly as I could I got my feet on the floor, but stared at the wall some more.

It took everything in me not to jump back onto the pillow, only because the little voice in my head was saying, 'There's no use, why get up? This day is a waste, your life is a disaster. You're going to fail like you do every other day.'

'Bu-but, what more is there to lose?,' I let myself think.

'There's plenty. What if you trip, fall and break your head? You're clumsy like that. What if they reject you again? You would start pitying yourself and blaming others like you do every other time. Or you may get another opportunity and knowing you, you might just screw it up too. Or anything worse could happen,' the voice elaborated.

'Shouldn't I at least try?,' I thought, and I could sense the weakness even in my thoughts.

'You're just counting your time, why try when you know the effort would be completely useless?'

For a moment there, I almost believed the looming voice and was about to let myself become weightless, intending to fall back into bed. Yet I knew that's what the devil wanted, the devil that haunts my head, and never was I going to lose for him, not even when I'm dead.

I fully woke up, shutting the ominous voice out, determined to take a leap of faith for once and all in my life.

© Hasna, 2014
 CREDITS: The Anonymous Writer.